Still drunk and hungover, my friend Barron thought it would be a good idea to buy a beaver.
After a long night of drinking, Barron and friends stopped by the famous Soulard Farmer’s Market in St. Louis to find something to eat. Walking through the market they came across a vendor with a few coolers in front of his stand, each labeled respectively “Squirrel”, “Muskrat” and “Beaver”. $15 later they had in there hands a skinned and frozen beaver.
Beaver? What the fuck were they thinking?
“We thought it would be easy and tasty”, Barron said. The head and tail were still attatched and it was “flat as a board, probably from stacking it in a freezer”. Once getting back to his place he spent an hour researching beaver recipes and only found 3. He said, “All of them called for a quart of ketchup and beer to boil it in”.
“Fuck it, I’m going to grill it.” he remarked. The beaver continued to thaw out as he travelled to our friend Joe’s house.
Once there he opened the cooler and the room instantly smelled of formaldehyde. He removed the head and tail then quartered it like a chicken because who the fuck knows the correct way to prepare beaver. Cutting off a small piece of arm he threw it in a pan and attempted to sear it. It wasn’t happening.
“It just looked ugly. The meat didn’t really brown, it braised strangely and turned an ugly shade of grey”, Barron said as also he described how “wet” the meat was and his attempts to dry it out.
He took a bite.
“It tasted like formaldehyde too and had a consistancy of liver. It just didn’t feel right, kind of tough and mushy at the same time” he explained.
That’s when Barron threw in the towel. He said, “it definitely exceeded my expectations of bad”.
Somebody else then took over and marinated it for about an hour. Unfortunately Barron doesn’t remember who it was or what they marinade consisted of. It was then tossed on the Weber grill.
“It reeked up the entire neighborhood and maybe ruined the grill” Barron said.
Todd, originally from Indonesia, tasted a little bit and said it reminded him of water buffalo and continued to eat it, apparently reminding him of his childhood.
At the end of the day the beaver tail was left on the grill, never to be used again. Joe ended up moving and left the grill in the backyard to surprise the new tenants. Maybe they should’ve used ketchup and beer.