Bacon Dog That Hoe

Some people probably know about these joints but for those of you who live in a world of sucks I present you with the Bacon Dog.

As far as I know the legend of the Bacon Dog cart began in LA. They have since migrated north to San Francisco which is where I was first introduced to this whole grail of drunk eats. I had spent a majority of my evening in some fucking Chad filled bar in the Mission when we decided escape and find a bar filled with kids who discovered punk rock in a mall. It was during this venture into the sucks that the sweet smells of angels came down from the heavens and let me know that all was not lost. It was the smell of hot fucking bacon, I didn’t know where the fuck it was coming from but I knew I had to find it. I followed that smell for two blocks until I came to a shitty fucking cart that had a cookie sheet on top heated by a propane torch underneath with a bacon wrapped hotdog sizzling away in the middle.

The set up is pretty easy and carts vary depending on who’s running it and how grimey they are willing to be. I’ve seen some real cutty carts and some people are scared but man bacon dogs aint never done be wrong. Well maybe a little bit of reflux in the middle of the night but thats the price you pay to roll like a boss. Anyways the carts are usually metal but I’ve seen wood and plastic. Generally the grill is just a cookie sheet placed on top. This works because it’s cheap to replace after your propane torch melts the piece of shit and when you can’t scrap the bacon burns off the top anymore. The Delicious carts by far have the best carts, doesn’t mean best bacon dogs but if you like chain restaurants because you need corporate framed familiarity to create a false sense of trust then that’s your best option. I have found that bacon dog carts surrounded by drunk Salvadorans calling the drunk chads maricons and spitting spanish game to any pussy that walks by to be a sign of a reputable bacon dog cart.

As you can see there is a system in place. Now the cart above is obviously preparing for the let out and the rush of drunks that will flood their cart. I knew the deal and bailed early to make sure I got a fresh bacon dog, not a precooked. Generally these dudes line their bacondogs in a row to left of the center. The idea is that they slowly warm off on the side but are then brought to the middle where the concentration of heat is to cook in bacon grease. Most carts will have a mountain of onions just to the right of the grease pit and drop them in to grill quickly. After you order your bacon dog they will throw a bun on and toast it in the grease. Everything that is happening is fucking spellbinding and when you’re on the edge of blacking out watching this delicate ballet of bacon sizzle just brings your brain back because it is powerless against the pure magic of the bacon dog cart.

As far as condiments go you got your standard options, ketchup, mustard, mayo and pickled jalapenos. If the dude has relish or some other bullshit just walk away son, that shit don’t have no business around a burnt cookie sheet. Personally I like to go with mustard, ketchup and extra jalapenos. Mayo’s alright I guess but I don’t need that shit. Some spots also have red and green peppers but that shit is rare in the bacon dog game. Besides you don’t needs that shit fogging up the power of the bacon dog.

The future of the Bacon Dog is in jeopardy though. At least in LA. Apparently according to California’s bitchmade health codes they require hot dogs to be steamed or boiled. The grilling of the bacon dog makes them illegal. In LA’s fashion district they have actually inforced this bullshit concept to a degree. This threat to the legacy needs to be deaded because fucking bullshit.

if some of this doesn’t make sense, sorry I wrote this when I was drinking, each sentence probably got typed like 3 times.