Years ago when Sarah and I were dating I was invited to her Dad’s house for Christmas dinner. He and his 3rd or 4th wife (I forget) cooked a pork loin on their rotisserie way too long and that fucking thing was like eating sawdust. Luckily there was some applesauce on the table so I dipped a cut of my pork loin in there before every bite. I looked around and it seemed to catch on because nobody was saying shit except asking people to “pass the applesauce”.
So here I took the classic pork and apples to another level by making a sandwich using pan-seared, thin cut pork chops seasoned with salt, black pepper and minced rosemary- the buns consisted of assorted apple pastries.
1) Pork Chop and Caramel Empanada from Taco Bell
- First impression: Hello caramel.
- Taste: Lots of caramel upfront, then apple and the pork took the backseat on this one.
- Texture: It was a bit too crumbly for me.
2) Pork Chop and Baked Apple Pie from McDonald’s
- First impression: Now this is a good pie.
- Taste: These pies are seasoned so well that it was hard for the pork to make a presence. The balance was def not on the pork chops side though.
- Texture: Much better than the empanada. When I was deciding which pastries to use for this experiment I had in my mind that McDonald’s still fried these hoes up so I was a little disappointed to learn that they are now baked. When at the drive thru I saw double quarter pounders and double filet-o-fish sandwiches on the menu so it’s obvious they are lightening up the menu a bit.
3) Pork Chop and Apple Toaster Strudels
- First impression: Holy fuck. You have to try this.
- Taste: This. Is. Amazing. Could probably use bacon.
- Texture: PERFECT. Super flaky and a little crunchy from the toast action.
4) Pork Chop and Apple Danishes
- First impression: This thing has an unwieldy presence. It’s looks really fucking tough and pissed off. It’s statuesque. I picked it up and imagined myself dislocating my jaw just to take a bite. We had to cut the danish portion down to just one pastry and slice it in half (see below).
After: (as if you can tell that I cut this shit, whatever)
- Taste: The danish sucked on it’s own, probably because it was sitting in that display case all day and by 9 P.M. who the fuck is buying danishes anymore except idiots like myself?
- Texture: The first bite was all flaky pastry and no apple cause that shit is sitting in the middle. I scooted some of the apple onto the edge, took a bite and then spit it out. That danish ruined a perfectly good pork chop.
5) Pork Cutlet (cubed) and Hostess Apple Pie
- First impression: We went with a cubed pork cutlet here due to fear that the pie would just crumble during the first bite.
- Taste: Sarah described it best with one word, “chemically”. It was just off.
- Texture: Way too soft, kinda like my theory of using a cubed pork cutlet. We should’ve manned up and went with the pork chop on this one.
6) Pork Chop and Apple Turnover
- First impression: This is going to suck. All the apple filling ended up on the bottom portion of the turnover.
- Taste: It sucked.
- Texture: It was super dry, again probably because of it sitting in the display case all day. The first and only bite of this was fucking horrendous and made me imagine this is probably what it’s like to suck sawdust through a straw or even sit through another Christmas dinner at Sarah’s Dad’s house.