Tamale Day BITCHES!

by

I know I’m a little late with this but I got mad shit going down right now, last night’s bass music party, metal christmas party and other retarded commitments so this post has been on pause for a minute.

Anyways fuck all that shit you don’t give a fuck about anyways, on to getting that tamale money cause that’s what I fucking do bitches! Tamale Day went down for the 6th year in a row this last Saturday. We loaded the fuck up on fillings this year, banged the motherfuckers out with Citrus Pork, Red Pork, Pulled Pork, Spicy Black Bean & Soyrizo, Verde Chicken, Butternut Squash and some other shit, and finally Black Bean & Sweet Potato. I did the Pulled Pork and the Soyrizo joints, had plans for Chicharron and Cheese but we had so much shit going down I scrapped that joint.

Day before I brined this shoulder on my balcony cause thanks to MFGrocery my fridge is loaded with nerd beer right now. It’s cold enough in SF that the balcony worked. Took it out, massaged the bitch with my rub and slow roasted that joint in my oven. I didn’t have time to smoke it so what I tried to do was make a broth with smoked bones. That idea sucked, I mean yeah I made broth but there was no fucking smoke anywhere in that bitch.

Oh well fuck it, I still had super tender pork. I let that bitch coast at 225 for 7 hours and rest for half an hour. It was so tender, I picked it up by the bone and all the meat straight fell off. It was like I pulled a limp dick out of a wet pork pussy.  Pulled it all apart and mixed it with my sauce.

I cooked the shoulder in a pan and collected all the fat, juices, tissue, sauce that cooked off. Poured all that juicy goodness into a bowl. Now most people would make gravy with this. I put it in the fridge and ended up with rich ass Pork Jello. Originally I intended to mix it with sauce or the masa for flavor but then I got faded so instead I began offering pork jello to anyone willing to shove this gelatinous mixture of pork fat and connective tissue into their mouth. Later I though I did end up whipping it into the lard for some of the masa for the Red Pork tamales we made.

the only picture I have of pork jello is here, my hand is on it.

photo via thetenssf

Tamale day is a strong believer in segregation and prejudice.  But rather than using this as hate, we use them as tools. You see white people have fucked up tamale day more than enough times. As a result we’ve had to enact some rules. Now I understand some people think this is “wrong” but to those people I say fuck you, white people ruin all our shit anyways and Tamale Day is about BROWN PRIDE! We don’t fuck with that vegan train of sucks, rolled tacos, white ass rice, or mango chutneys or whatever weak ass bullshit these cornball motherfuckers want to introduce.

The number one crime whites have commited at Tamale Day was touching the fucking steamer. One year a bunch of my hungry friends kept on checking the steamer. The problem with this is that the steam then escapes and condensates on the lid. The water drips on the tamales below which have dropped in temperature so that it takes longer to cook soggy tamales. After that year the coalition of the brown enacted a no white people allowed to touch the steamer initiative.

Anyone who has ever been to Tall Can Marathon knows I love making forms so for Tamale Day this year I made some registration forms so that we had a signed document from people stating that they would not touch the steamer and go through a Tamale Rolling Clinic.

Lydia handled clinic running duties and had everyone submit 3 tamales for approval before being allowed to proceed with making unsupervised tamales. It is really one of our best ideas ever because now members of the Tamale Day Board of Officials are not being harassed to instruct randoms on proper tamale rolling technique.

This year we had a new location for Tamale Day, awwwdamn’s house which actually worked perfect for productivity. Unfortunately for beers not so much, well kind of. We put the beers/ice in her washing machine. The problem though was to fill it with water she decided to run the washing machine, WHILE cans of tecate were in it. The result was a bunch of beat up cans and couple cans peeing beer.

do not ever bring coors to tamale day, I have and will throw that in the trash. Coors is anti-tamale.

I broke out my deep fryer for left over pork skin and to fry tamales because that shit is brilliant.


I get Tamale money and I make it rain on myself. what.

Eddie K came through with Rum Balls again, we also deep fried those.

I show my appreciation to people letting me use their home for food events by making it rain on them.

only the best for our guests.






I didn’t take any pictures really so I just want to give props to my friends whose pictures I jacked for this post. Also thanks to everyone who came through and put in some work, we banged out like 300 tamales and I don’t have any so I hope you greedy bastards enjoyed them.

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14 Responses to “Tamale Day BITCHES!”

  1. Richardy Says:

    “It was like I pulled a limp dick out of a wet pork pussy.”

    best. analogy. ever.

  2. Mf grocery Says:

    Best post ever. I mean really, you pretty much outdid yourself here.

  3. JT Says:

    Make it rain… Make. it. rain.

  4. Amy Says:

    Is that a sponge paint brush?! (I have to admit, I bought a couple of those plastic masa spreaders last year. Tsk. Those things aren’t worth crap…)

    I am SO trying deep fried rum balls…..

    • SergDun Says:

      no, it’s a rubber spatula that just looks like a paint brush in the photo.

      for masa spreaders a hard spatula or wooden spoons work the best. you don’t want anything floppy.

  5. J. Wilder Says:

    … just made the ‘make it rain’ picture my desktop. Instant classic.

  6. womp Says:

    props on the blowfly flier.

    chicharron and cheese aaaand pork jello in the masa would have made for a tamale induced orgasm.

    section 1.a

    someone needs to pay this brown kid to write.

  7. missbhavens Says:

    Yes! Hell yes. That’s all I got.

  8. dj apt one Says:

    serg if i knew who to call i’d nominate you for a pulitzer and whatever award they give mexicans for exemplary mexican-ness.

    for the love of god please come to philly so we can pig out on some crazy shit.

  9. SergDun Says:

    haha, someday I’ll make it out east. Actually shooting for sometime this summer but we’ll see

  10. elenamary Says:

    i want you to be my friend.

  11. fifi Says:

    Beer in the washer…..I love you.

  12. I betcha I can do it better » Elenamary Says:

    […] friends and I would like to challenge you to a Tamale Day Off.  You seem a little cocky in your Tamale Day Bitch! post and we thinkknow we can do better.  We will even make our meat tamales outside in the […]

  13. And all the planets aligned for fun » Elenamary Says:

    […] who kept trying to uncover the pot to look in.  This reminded me of one of my favorite blog posts, Tamale Day BITCHES!.  I should’ve learned from their mistakes and guidance. Tamale day is a strong believer in […]

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