Archive for April, 2010

HEY STOUFFERS! FUCK YOU IN YOUR FUCKING TOASTED ASSHOLE YOU FUCKING DICKS!

April 16, 2010

Hey are you a lazy piece of shit who enjoys consuming bullshit because some fucking dickhead decided to sell it to you via your lying robot box of plastic dreams?  Well guess what shit for brains, Stouffers now has a microwavable toasted sub for you to shove into you fucking face. Impossible you say? Wipe the hot pocket cum stains off your greasy lips and listen to the magic! (more…)

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Gonzales Market

April 2, 2010

Gonzales Market

Last month I went to Texas for SXSW and since flying into San Antonio cost me 52 bucks that’s where I landed. I decided to take a little bbq roadtrip during the drive to Austin. I usually don’t get to do this because my wife is vegetarian and eating sides at meat castles sucks. Anyways I Google map the shit and expect to hit Gonzales and Lockhart. The problem was my iphone put me on these retarded ass backroads with fucking prehistoric speedlimits of 30mph. Texas state troopers know I can’t drive that slow so I had to abandon the iphone and just take whatever the fuck streets I thought were the fastest way my shitty rental blasting death metal can get me to some small ass town I’d never been too.

I get to Gonzales later than intended and begin to reconsider my plans for Lockhart as I still have to get to austin in time to get my wristband, eat, pound beers and see my first rap show of the week. Figured fuck it, lets do the combo plate of ribs, brisket, cheese potatoes, mac & cheese and the finest beer they had: Tecate.
Combo Plate
The fucking brisket ended up being the best part. That shit was actually pretty fucking banging, super flavorful and a decent amount of smoke. I like super heavy smoke but this was tasty as shit. The ribs though, man that shit sucked. I don’t know if they had been sitting out or what but the motherfuckers were overcooked, dry as shit and took longer to chew than they were worth. Sucks because I had high hopes for this joint. The sauce was served in bottles at the table which was nice because I hate when they dump that shit on your plate. Sauce was alright, not spicy enough for me, fortunately there was some hot sauce there too so I rocked it to a perfect ratio.
Brisket
I smashed the macaroni and potatoes then jetted as I was really trying to hit Kruez in time so that I could still see some rap in Austin. Unfortunately I didn’t count of traffic due to south Texas winds of shit so that got scrapped. In the end my Texas bbq roadtrip consisted of one place with awesome brisket and shitty ass ribs.

Fuck it, there is always next year.